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secondhand_ashes
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Name: ashley
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Rochester
Birthday: 9/30/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: music, my friends, sitting, eating, sleeping.....i'm drawing a blank here because i realize i have no real hobbies.
Expertise: i'm not an expert at much of anything other than screwing up. yeah i consider myself a pro.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  secondhand ashes
Member Since:
4/27/2003
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| This past week was crazy. The work load was insane and after suffering from a mini freak out, (that all of you had the pleasure of reading,) I've finally wound down. I can usually get through the stress brought on by school by just buckling down and not leaving my apartment. TOTAL ISOLATION FROM THE OUTSIDE. However, this past week was clouded by more than just school stress. Very unfortunately I might add.
But in the spirit of trying to practice what I preach, (and what I also spend thousands of dollars to study,) I chilled out. Life is such a struggle. It is how we choose to handle that struggle that testifies to the type of human being we are. Clearly I have work to do. Learning what I do and not applying it to my own life would seem a bit hypocritical, especially for the people that I'll be working with. How can I expect to take a client somewhere that I'm not willing to go myself? The more I read and the more I study, the more I feel unsatisfied with who I am. When I first began picking up on some of these feelings, I started freaking out. I thought I was some horrible person who had somehow gone "astray" by questioning what seemed like fundamentals. Fortunately enough, I have learned to value that uneasiness. It is continually at my heels and when it stops, I stop. I've lived so many stale years already. At times it feels like I'm already going through a midlife crisis and I'm 23! There is so much I want out of life. I guess I have never felt like that before. Most of this thinking has specifically come from an incredible book that one of my (most favorite of favorite) professors lent me. (The other contributor to this mood is for me and my bff to know and for you to probably never find out. SLAM!) It also probably has a lot to do with a little Kurtis Blow song called basketball...but that is neither here nor there!
So this book is called Mans Search for Meaning:an introduction to logotherapy by Viktor E. Frankl. Do not let the title fool you, especially if you're not into psychology theory or philosophy. It is written through the author's prospective while he was in Auschwitz. He shares his three year experience and the impact it had on the minds of the prisoners. It is one of the most honest books I have ever read. Someone who endures such incredible mental and physical torture for such a long time and still holds on to his will for life and bettering himself deserves to be listened to. Not only has this been a strangely uplifting book, but it has also been incredibly enlightening. If you have any interest in existentialism or psychotherapies, this is especially amazing. Generally I don't get this nerdy over the philosophy of psychology, at least not in public, but I don't think I have ever had this type of reaction to a book before. If you're going to waste days of your life reading shit like Twilight, you can at least try to replace some of your mental integrity by reading this. It won't disappoint.
I'm the queen of run on sentences. I apologize.
And for today's adventures you ask? Well, I babysat for my professor. Her daughter is a four year old genius who has better dance moves than me. And believe me, we danced. We danced until the spaghettios came roaring back up my throat. We laughed, we cried, we colored. We threw stuffed animals into the air and painted each other up like cheap whores using Hannah Montana glitter and nail polish. She told me I was beautiful but said the dora explorer earrings came off at the door. I agreed, but did I really have a choice? From her house, I took my bedazzled self to class, where I had to lead a discussion. I'm sure they all took me very seriously. Glitter is generally taken very seriously. Afterwards I came home, ate a bowl of cereal, and had some pretty great conversation.
Life is good.
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| My mind has been in a thousand different places this week. This was supposed to be my week "off" from school. Apparently my teachers had different plans. So instead of having a fine time with friends, I've been cooped up in my house stressing out about the two tests, lesson plans, and articles summaries I have due by Tuesday. Shoot me now. No, seriously. On top of that, I've been trying to deal with asshole friends who only have time for me when they are in the midst of a crisis. They are incredibly selfish and apparently think that it is my responsibility to deal with the consequences of their actions. Am i missing something here? Last time I checked, you were the one who made this so incredibly difficult, not only for yourself but for me. So why exactly am I the one dealing with it? Right now if you have a problem, don't expect me to do anything for you. Just don't. I've had my fill of bullshit for the week. I'm emotionally exhausted. The next person is likely to end up with some sort of object sticking out of their neck. Now, don't get me wrong; I love helping my friends out. I will do whatever I can to help them out. The problem is that when I need to talk, all of these "friends" are suddenly unavailable. Hmm. How strange. Not to sound like a five year old, but when is it my turn? When is someone going to stay up until 2am listening to me bawl and whine and throw a fit about making bad decisions? I assure you with great confidence that I won't be doing that for you any longer. At the cost of sounding cold, I hope they had a shitty week.
So obviously this week hasn't been the greatest, but I'm not going to pout about it anymore. I'll just do what I normally do, pour myself into my work, eat lots of junk food, and then over exercise to compensate. There have been plenty of late night drives, with lots of embarrassing sing a longs this week. Unfortunately, in doing so, I've redeveloped a sore throat and a cough that makes me feel that my stomach is about to throw itself up at any time. Well worth it though.
On the bright side, I will be making some extra cash this week by getting this crack off my hands...either that, or I'll be babysitting. Now lets hope the parents don't see that. Especially because that parent is also my professor. And that professor is also the chair of my program. And that program is my ticket to a successful career. And that successful career is what will help pay off the tens of thousands of dollars I spent on getting it. Life is strange.
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| With every Sunday comes Ashley's undying desires for eating and sleeping. I manage to eat continually throughout the day and even though my stomach says, "ASHLEY PLEASE...STOP", I forge ahead. Luckily for me, my entire family is the exact same way. Today's menu, (I wouldn't be mentioning this if it wasn't worth rubbing in): lasagna with homemade noodles, garlic knots, and my mother's peanut butter, chocolate chip cheesecake with chocolate graham cracker crust topped with gnash. There are leftovers, which is amazing/horrifying news for me seeing as how I will be home for the week.
My Valentine's Day: bizarre. My evening was spent taking pictures of couples at a Valentine's Day dinner which I found out was a fundraiser (for the soccer teams I help coach) about an hour beforehand. I'm clueless. But for $10, people got to stand in front of a horrid prom-like set up and strike a loving pose. This was not my idea, nor was it my idea to charge $10 for a shitty photo. As I sat at my separate card table, watching everyone eat their food and open their 3rd, 4th, 5th bottles of wine, I couldn't help but think: Is this really my life right now? If not for my sisters, I would have been depressed in the most pathetic way. At that point, I went into the back and took my own bottle of wine, gave my camera to someone else, and went to go dance with my already intoxicated sisters. Sometimes you just have to.
The result: fuzzy pictures.
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| let me start off by saying that xanga's site is overwhelming. why did it take me ten minutes to figure out how to write. (no it's not really a question...i'm trying to make a point)
ANYWAY -
it has been a while. i figured it was time to dust off the old xanga and put it to good use. i stopped writing before because it was getting boring and so were my entries. in actuality, i was busy living a productive life and stopped caring about xanga. but now that i have no life and nothing (no one) else to occupy my time, why not? plus, as pathetic as it sounds, it's a good way to keep people updated about what's going on. i'm terrible at staying in touch with too many people. sorry about that. it's one of my many downfalls.
i'm no longer in fredonia. i'm in rochester. working on a masters in school psychology. uh what?! yeah i don't know how that happened either. job security. summers off. helping people. okay.
i have no right to complain, but i can't seem to help myself.
i've been listening to a lot of fiona apple lately. she makes me feel sassy. she's so strange. it creeps me out a little. Listening to her gives me an itch to go practice my piano. it seldom happens though. instead i waste time doing things like this.
i'm being passive aggressive....apologies. (that's apology number two for today's entry)
no, but really. i enjoy writing on here, so i'll try to keep it somewhat updated.
highlights of my day:
- waking up to alpha sneezing on my face
- watching my sister bang her head on the corner of a speaker. laughing at her. smacking my head on the exact speaker two minutes later.
- mimosas (see last sentence)
- seeing my mother's amusement when i covered up the P & Es from "Petite Toast". go ahead, tell me to grow up.
hopefully tomorrow picks up.
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